And the survey says…



My wife and I were having a discussion the other day. Well, I’m not sure “discussion” is the word to use. It was one of those talks that married people have where you make sure and chuckle after everything you say, just so it won’t turn into a real argument.

Anyway, during the “discussion” she let me know that I was a jerk- only she didn’t say jerk. She used another word for jerk that would never make the paper. It has seven letters, and begins with the letter ‘A’. I’m sure if you use your imagination you can come up with it. But for this column, we’ll use the word jerk.

I disagreed with her, of course. I know I used to be an as-, um, jerk. But I honestly don’t think I am anymore. Maybe it’s being a father, maybe it’s conversations I’ve had with people that I respect. It could be that I’ve just grown older and wiser. Either way, I think I’ve changed a good bit in the last few years.

“Tell you what,” I told her. “Here’s my phone. Let’s call ten people from my contact list that know me well, and we’ll just see how many people think I’m really a jerk.”

She didn’t just run across the room. She did three somersaults and a double back flip on the way. Come to think of it, maybe that was a bad omen for me.

We tried calling one of my nieces, but couldn’t get hold of her. Then we called my boss. The first thing I did was let him know that he was on speaker (always a good idea), then I filled him in on what my wife and I were doing. After what seemed like an hour he finally sided with me- he didn’t think that I was a jerk the majority of the time.

We then called my old boss here at the paper. Again, he took his time thinking about it, but in the end he also took my side and I led two to zip. Then the wheels fell off.

One of my closest friends in the world agreed with my wife. “I’m sorry Shannon ,” he told me. “But I’m a Christian man, and I have church tomorrow morning. There’s no way I can go with a clear conscience if I lie today.”

I told my wife that he shouldn’t really count, because he was letting religion cloud his thinking. I hate when people do that.

“Well, let’s call your sister then,” she said. That didn’t turn out so well. She also agreed with my wife, and it didn’t take her near as long to think about it as the first three people.

Told my wife that her vote shouldn’t count, either. She didn’t really know me that well anymore.

“She’s your sister!” my wife hollered. “I think she knows you pretty well.” Yeah, but we hardly see each other anymore. I’m a different guy now. Anyway, we were tied 2-2 when my wife’s friend Valerie’s name popped up on the screen. Oh Hell.

“Valerie,” my wife told her. “Shannon and I are doing a survey, and we want to know if you think he’s a jer-“

“Yes.”

“You don’t have to answer right now,” I told her. “Take your ti-“

“Yes.”

“Look,” I pleaded, “Think about it for an hour or so, and call us back in a little whil-“

“Yes.”

And that’s pretty much how it went from there. Another one of her friends said I was a jerk. Another one of my friends said I was a jerk. Hell, before long we had people calling the house asking to vote.

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I finally threw in the towel. Imagine being made to watch a Nancy Grace marathon with bamboo sticks underneath your fingernails- that’s how painful it was towards the end.

That’s okay though. This weekend, I think we’ll call ten people from my wife’s phone and see who all thinks she is a, um, “jerk”. Any volunteers?



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