Going under…
I hope we didn’t cross paths last week. If we did, let me apologize because I know I wasn’t myself. I was probably a little grumpy, a little short with you, and totally had my mind somewhere else. You see, I had a dentist appointment last Friday.
I know, I know. Everybody gets a little nervous when it comes to going to the dentist. But I had a little extra pressure on me- let me explain.
A few years ago, I had a procedure done where the doctors needed to see inside my stomach. In order to do that, they gave me the gas and put me to sleep. For some reason my wife couldn’t take off work that day, so my sister was nice enough to drive me to the doctor’s office and back.
Once I regained my senses, my sister gave me a very serious look and said “I don’t think it would be a good idea to ever let your wife see you like that.” She said that when I was waking up, and the medicine still had a hold on me, I was “very friendly” with every nurse I could find.
No, I take that back- that’s not what she said at all. She told me that I hit on every female that got close enough to listen to me. And not in that cute, shy, eyelash-batting way, either. She said I was the obnoxious drunk guy at the bar that makes women’s skin crawl as they reach for their can of mace.
Now, you folks know that I’m not like that. For one thing, I’m not the flirty kind of guy to begin with. For another, my wife and all her cronies know everything that happens in this town and the surrounding towns, so I could never get away with it. And don’t even get me started on the whole Facebook networking tattle-tale thing…
Okay, so fast-forward to last week when I found out that a local anesthesia wasn’t going to do the trick- I had to go all the way under again. The first thing I do is see if my sister is available. “Don’t be silly,” my wife said. “I will take you myself.” That forced me to tell her that evidently anesthesia turns me into a broke, pudgier version of Tiger Woods.
And sure enough, when we get to the dentist’s office every girl in there was good looking. And they were all wearing those doctor smocks. Which leads me to confess something here: You know how all women like a man in uniform? Cops, firemen, UPS, etc? Well, for some reason that’s how I am with women in smocks, or scrubs, or whatever you call them. Yes, I know that’s weird. And don’t ask me why, because I know they aren’t exactly form-fitting. Maybe it’s the whole “care-giver” thing that I didn’t get enough of when I was a kid. Who knows? The point is, I like them. And the fact that every lady in the office was wearing them made me even more nervous. I kept telling myself “Don’t say a word. Don’t say a word. Don’t say a word.”
“Relax, I’ve seen you when you sleep and it’s not a pretty sight,” said my wife. “Trust me, you can flirt all you want. My money says they still send you home with me.”
And she was right. As it turns out, I behaved myself like a gentleman the whole time.
Oh, don’t you worry though. The anesthesia still made me nutty as a Snicker’s bar, and my wife was nice enough to video the evidence for everyone. I’m absolutely sure that some of it will be posted somewhere at some point, but we are currently negotiating the editing process.
You see? I wouldn’t have had to worry about that if my sister had just driven me.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Running through walls
Some folks are Baptist. Some folks are Catholic. Still others are Methodist. Well, I’m Football. Texas Football Magazine is my Bible. I attend church Saturdays, Sundays, and now Friday nights… again.
This weekend, Minnesota ’s John Randle (from Hearne), Dallas ’ Emmitt Smith, San Francisco ’s Jerry Rice and a few others will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. After that, there will be football of some sort on t.v. every weekend until February 6. Halle-freaking-lujah.
I’ve done a lot of traveling over the past few years. Been to eight different states all over the South, so I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Tennessee loves their football. Louisiana loves their football, Mississippi and Arkansas feel the same way. I’ve got some family out in South Carolina , and they are huge football fans also. But I’ve got to tell you, what they say about football in Texas is true. There’s nothing quite like it.
I watched Kenny Chesney’s new video, “The Boys of Fall”. For the next two hours, I believe I could have ran through a wall. The video did a great job of talking about locker room smells, the smell of fresh cut grass, walking through the high school halls wearing your jerseys on game days, etc.
When I watched the video and heard the song I wasn’t thinking about my own high school playing days because, well, the water boys got about as much playing time as I did. I didn’t even like football when I was that age.
I could, however, close my eyes and remember my nephew’s ten-catch game in the playoffs a few years back. I could remember when their playoff run finally came to an end, the players were openly crying on the field and their fathers were hugging them and shedding the same tears.
I could close my eyes and remember former Hearne coach Craig Slaughter running and jumping down the sideline like a kid, trying to keep pace with Ken Dunn or Montre Webber as they scored another touchdown. I could also close my eyes and see the sea of red that is the stands at a Bremond football game.
In the video, New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton told a group of high school players that people live vicariously through them. And God, was he right.
I’ve never, ever been more proud of my nine year old son than when he takes his helmet off of his sweaty little head after running hard in practice, or when he accidentally finds himself in the middle of a tackle and can’t wait to make sure I saw him.
Look, he weighs 50 lbs. and has the speed of cold syrup, so I know he will likely never be Colt McCoy or Drew Brees. And I couldn’t care less. In my eyes, he’s a Hall of Famer.
And the lessons that he and other little boys are learning when they play sports- hard work, responsibility, the meaning of the word team, etc.- you just can’t learn anywhere else. That’s why it amazes me when people- especially parents- tell me they aren’t sports fans. It’s such a great metaphore and teaching tool for life.
So if you ever played a little high school football, enjoy the game now, or are a woman with a son that plays, you have to watch this video. Go to YouTube, go to ESPN.com, go wherever you have to go. Just watch it.
And just try not to run through a wall.
Love the column? Hate the column? Have an idea for a new column? Go to http://robconews.com/ or http://shannonscasta.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment or suggestion.
Some folks are Baptist. Some folks are Catholic. Still others are Methodist. Well, I’m Football. Texas Football Magazine is my Bible. I attend church Saturdays, Sundays, and now Friday nights… again.
This weekend, Minnesota ’s John Randle (from Hearne), Dallas ’ Emmitt Smith, San Francisco ’s Jerry Rice and a few others will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. After that, there will be football of some sort on t.v. every weekend until February 6. Halle-freaking-lujah.
I’ve done a lot of traveling over the past few years. Been to eight different states all over the South, so I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Tennessee loves their football. Louisiana loves their football, Mississippi and Arkansas feel the same way. I’ve got some family out in South Carolina , and they are huge football fans also. But I’ve got to tell you, what they say about football in Texas is true. There’s nothing quite like it.
I watched Kenny Chesney’s new video, “The Boys of Fall”. For the next two hours, I believe I could have ran through a wall. The video did a great job of talking about locker room smells, the smell of fresh cut grass, walking through the high school halls wearing your jerseys on game days, etc.
When I watched the video and heard the song I wasn’t thinking about my own high school playing days because, well, the water boys got about as much playing time as I did. I didn’t even like football when I was that age.
I could, however, close my eyes and remember my nephew’s ten-catch game in the playoffs a few years back. I could remember when their playoff run finally came to an end, the players were openly crying on the field and their fathers were hugging them and shedding the same tears.
I could close my eyes and remember former Hearne coach Craig Slaughter running and jumping down the sideline like a kid, trying to keep pace with Ken Dunn or Montre Webber as they scored another touchdown. I could also close my eyes and see the sea of red that is the stands at a Bremond football game.
In the video, New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton told a group of high school players that people live vicariously through them. And God, was he right.
I’ve never, ever been more proud of my nine year old son than when he takes his helmet off of his sweaty little head after running hard in practice, or when he accidentally finds himself in the middle of a tackle and can’t wait to make sure I saw him.
Look, he weighs 50 lbs. and has the speed of cold syrup, so I know he will likely never be Colt McCoy or Drew Brees. And I couldn’t care less. In my eyes, he’s a Hall of Famer.
And the lessons that he and other little boys are learning when they play sports- hard work, responsibility, the meaning of the word team, etc.- you just can’t learn anywhere else. That’s why it amazes me when people- especially parents- tell me they aren’t sports fans. It’s such a great metaphore and teaching tool for life.
So if you ever played a little high school football, enjoy the game now, or are a woman with a son that plays, you have to watch this video. Go to YouTube, go to ESPN.com, go wherever you have to go. Just watch it.
And just try not to run through a wall.
Love the column? Hate the column? Have an idea for a new column? Go to http://robconews.com/ or http://shannonscasta.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment or suggestion.
Just venting
I haven’t vented here in a long time. My wife told me that I sounded too grumpy a while back, so I’ve tried to sound more friendly lately. Well I give up. I can’t do it anymore. I think that trying to be friendly is unhealthy for me. I’ve been smiling a lot more lately, but the heartburn has been through the roof. So let’s look at a few things that have my blood pressure up this week.
First of all, I’m ready for school to start again. My kids are eating everything in the house that isn’t nailed down, and they play on the computer way too much. My youngest daughter can rattle off her password for Millsbury.com that is 743 characters long, but she couldn’t tell you how many planets we have in the solar system if a bowl of ice cream depended on it. Between the vacations, the food, and the electric bill I’m going to have to get a fourth job. Speaking of that…
Another thing that I’m not crazy about is President Obama extending the unemployment benefits for another six months. I just can’t imagine how someone could believe that’s a good idea.
The other day I was watching ESPN highlights of the Tour de France. Bicycle Nerd #1 was leading the race when his chain fell off his bike. Bicycle Nerd #2 passed him up and won the stage. Well, later that day Bicycle Nerd #2 got hammered by the press and Bicycle Nerd #1 for dirty racing. It seems he was supposed to stop his bike and wait on Bicycle Nerd #1 to get his chain back on.
And I remember thinking to myself, “That’s why America kicks everyone’s butt all the time- because we don’t go around trying to make sure everything is fair.” If you fall down in this country you had better get up quickly or you’ll have foot marks on your back. The next guy in line wants to be successful even more than you do.
Of course I then turned the channel from ESPN to CNN, and saw that the unemployment benefits had been extended and my whole theory went out the window. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Welfare, government handouts, and most charity makes otherwise good people lazy. It’s just human nature.
I believe if you want to make this country’s economy stronger, instead of extending free money you need to shorten the amount of time you live off the government. Force people to get out and get a job or starve. If one job isn’t enough to pay the bills, work two jobs. It won’t kill you, I promise. Allow people to live in government housing for one year, then raise the rent to a normal price and have that extra money go back to the government. That’s plenty of time for them to find a decent paying job. I guarantee that you can look at almost any government housing complex in America and you will find 20 and 30 year-old people that have never lived anywhere else and have never worked a day in their lives. That’s ridiculous.
And finally, let’s talk about the thing that has me upset the most this week. Will somebody out there please, please, please write in, call, or email me the reason that I can’t buy a damn hamburger anymore without the meat being served on top of the vegetables? It’s a full-blown epedimic.
Everybody knows that since the beginning of time whenever you eat a burger the meat goes on bottom, then the cheese, then the vegetables. But for the last year or so, eight out of every ten times I order a burger the vegetables are on bottom for some reason. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m sure there is a reason for it (Heat rises? Easier stacking?) but I don’t like it a bit. And you can’t just flip it over and eat it, because then the buns are upside down. Nope, you have to spend ten minutes deconstructing the whole thing, then building it back up the right way. Hell, with the amount of work involved they should be paying me to eat it.
Come to think of it, maybe that could be my fourth job.
Love the column? Hate the column? Have an idea for a new column? Go to http://robconews.com/ or http://shannonscasta.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment or suggestion.
I haven’t vented here in a long time. My wife told me that I sounded too grumpy a while back, so I’ve tried to sound more friendly lately. Well I give up. I can’t do it anymore. I think that trying to be friendly is unhealthy for me. I’ve been smiling a lot more lately, but the heartburn has been through the roof. So let’s look at a few things that have my blood pressure up this week.
First of all, I’m ready for school to start again. My kids are eating everything in the house that isn’t nailed down, and they play on the computer way too much. My youngest daughter can rattle off her password for Millsbury.com that is 743 characters long, but she couldn’t tell you how many planets we have in the solar system if a bowl of ice cream depended on it. Between the vacations, the food, and the electric bill I’m going to have to get a fourth job. Speaking of that…
Another thing that I’m not crazy about is President Obama extending the unemployment benefits for another six months. I just can’t imagine how someone could believe that’s a good idea.
The other day I was watching ESPN highlights of the Tour de France. Bicycle Nerd #1 was leading the race when his chain fell off his bike. Bicycle Nerd #2 passed him up and won the stage. Well, later that day Bicycle Nerd #2 got hammered by the press and Bicycle Nerd #1 for dirty racing. It seems he was supposed to stop his bike and wait on Bicycle Nerd #1 to get his chain back on.
And I remember thinking to myself, “That’s why America kicks everyone’s butt all the time- because we don’t go around trying to make sure everything is fair.” If you fall down in this country you had better get up quickly or you’ll have foot marks on your back. The next guy in line wants to be successful even more than you do.
Of course I then turned the channel from ESPN to CNN, and saw that the unemployment benefits had been extended and my whole theory went out the window. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Welfare, government handouts, and most charity makes otherwise good people lazy. It’s just human nature.
I believe if you want to make this country’s economy stronger, instead of extending free money you need to shorten the amount of time you live off the government. Force people to get out and get a job or starve. If one job isn’t enough to pay the bills, work two jobs. It won’t kill you, I promise. Allow people to live in government housing for one year, then raise the rent to a normal price and have that extra money go back to the government. That’s plenty of time for them to find a decent paying job. I guarantee that you can look at almost any government housing complex in America and you will find 20 and 30 year-old people that have never lived anywhere else and have never worked a day in their lives. That’s ridiculous.
And finally, let’s talk about the thing that has me upset the most this week. Will somebody out there please, please, please write in, call, or email me the reason that I can’t buy a damn hamburger anymore without the meat being served on top of the vegetables? It’s a full-blown epedimic.
Everybody knows that since the beginning of time whenever you eat a burger the meat goes on bottom, then the cheese, then the vegetables. But for the last year or so, eight out of every ten times I order a burger the vegetables are on bottom for some reason. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m sure there is a reason for it (Heat rises? Easier stacking?) but I don’t like it a bit. And you can’t just flip it over and eat it, because then the buns are upside down. Nope, you have to spend ten minutes deconstructing the whole thing, then building it back up the right way. Hell, with the amount of work involved they should be paying me to eat it.
Come to think of it, maybe that could be my fourth job.
Love the column? Hate the column? Have an idea for a new column? Go to http://robconews.com/ or http://shannonscasta.blogspot.com/ and leave a comment or suggestion.
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