It’s got to be French’s

The running argument in my house these days centers around my twelve year old daughter and her desire to go trick-or-treating. It is well known to most readers that I have a “no trick-or-treating” policy for those over ten years old. If you are older than ten, and you come begging around my house, you get turned away. Or you may get something healthy to eat. Last year I handed out Halloween pencils to the older kids, this year I’m thinking about ketchup and mustard packs. I’m going to put two or three of them in those cute little Halloween bags and staple it shut. That way nobody knows until they get back to their house and open the bags. Hahahahahahaha.
“But Dad, all my friends are going trick-or-treating,” she whines to me. “Their parents don’t think they are too old.”
This is the worst argument in the world to bring me. First of all, there is nothing worse than a follower. I thought I did a good job of pounding that in my children’s minds, but I guess not. And to tell you the truth, I’d rather my daughters be leaders even more than my son. There is all kind of trouble that a young lady can get in to if she doesn’t have a backbone.
Secondly, I need her to stay home that night and hand out the candy bags. Halloween will be on a Monday night, which means that Monday Night Football will be on. I’m not a big fan of kids anyway, much less a bunch of them coming to my house. If I have to miss football because I’m passing out candy- free candy at that- I’ll really be in a sour mood.
Also, if a twelve year old pretty girl is handing out candy, nobody will think she was the one passing out the mustard and ketchup packs. If a grumpy old man is handing out the candy, I’ll be the first suspect on the list when you open that little bag and see French’s mustard instead of Reece’s Pieces.
Another reason I don’t want her trick-or-treating is the economy. Look, everyone knows that dads have to eat the leftover candy, along with any of the good stuff that they can sneak away with. And everyone also knows how the economy goes, Halloween candy goes. There will be way less chocolate this year, and even more dollar store junk. The last couple of years I’ve had to eat millions of those small Tootsie Rolls and banana Laffy Taffies. I’ve got two kids that will bring me dollar store junk already, I don’t need three kids bringing it back.
And who knows? Maybe once this column comes out, she might even bring home a pencil or some ketchup packs of her own. Lord knows I will have enough of them already.

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