Move!



Okay folks, enough is enough. I’ve tried staying quiet about this for a few years. Even when I brought it to someone’s attention as they messed up I did it in a nice, polite manner. But no more. It’s too hot outside, and I’m getting a little older- which means I’m getting grumpier and grumpier by the day.

So hopefully, for the last time, let me go over two more rules for you that are very, very important to remember. I’m going to use small words when I write this, so maybe it will be a little easier to make sense of for you.

When you are driving on a four lane highway- and that means that two lanes of traffic are coming toward you and two lanes of traffic are going the same way as you- it is very important to stay in the far right lane. You understand?

The only time you should ever be in the left lane- which we folks with jobs and places to go call the fast lane- is when you are passing someone. Look it up in your little Driver’s Ed. books or on the internet. And as soon as you have passed that car, guess what you are supposed to do? Move! Get back in the right lane. That little maneuver gets you out of my way, which in turn keeps my blood pressure down. Then there is no reason for me to daydream about slamming into the back of your car, or to flip you off when I finally get past you.

And I’ll bet a bunch of you are thinking that I’m picking on old people right now, but you would be wrong. I love old drivers. They usually drive ten miles under the speed limit, and stay in the far right lane out of everyone’s way. They aren’t trying to get anywhere anytime soon.

No, I’ve paid attention to the idiots who make me pass them on the right side (which would be the wrong side) and most of them are young drivers. Most of them have a buddy in the car and they are going over Justin Beiber’s latest video, or they are on their cell phones, talking or texting.

And hey, I’m not Oprah Winfrey. You can talk or text all you want while you drive, I don’t care. But the least you can do is write your phone number on the back window with shoe polish, so I can text you to move the Hell out of the way.

There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get somewhere when you are stuck behind a slow driver in the wrong lane. Well, almost nothing more frustrating. That leads me to this…

I live in a small town with a lot of little small streets. This time of year, when school is out and Little League baseball games are going on, children will be walking and riding their bikes all over town. And hey, that’s great. Most kids nowadays are bigger around than they are tall, so you want them to put the Cheetos and the video games down and get a little more exercise now and then.

But for God’s sake, would you talk to these little idiots and tell them to stay out of the damn street? Would you let them know that when they cross the street right in front of a car- so slow that you can actually hear their flip flops dragging the ground- that they are actually in the wrong. Because I swear, when you yell at them to “Move!” they look at you like you were the dumb one, every time.

Just the other day we were driving to one of my kids’ baseball games or something and three little thugs were walking side by side, taking up my half of the road.

When I refused to move over and forced two of them to jump out of the way just in time to avoid being hit, guess who had to listen to his wife fuss at him for three more blocks? That’s right, me. And I’ll explain it to you right now like a I explained it to her.

First of all, the fact that they were wearing their shorts down to their calves and the brim of their hats were all flat and tilted to the side got on my nerves anyway. God, I can’t wait for that to go out of style.

Secondly, I’m always in one of two vehicles- one of them is a very heavy work truck that makes a lot of noise and has a big huge ladder on top, and the other is very tall bright yellow jeep with big huge tires. Both of them are very, very easy to see coming. I don’t sneak up on anybody.

Call me crazy, but if a kid is old enough to walk or ride his bike on the streets by himself, then he should be old enough to understand to walk or ride on the side where he isn’t in the way. And if he finds himself in the way, then he should move- not me. I’m the one in the 2,000 pound vehicle.

All you have to do, parents, is tell them to move.



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