Waving the ban-ner



I was having one of those days. You know the kind of day I’m talking about- you work your butt off, do everything right, try to make smart decisions with your money, and still nothing goes right. You can’t seem to keep up, much less get ahead.

A plumber had just given me an estimate on replacing some pipes, I was having expensive lawn mower trouble, and my kids were whining about something we couldn’t go do or something they couldn’t have.

Then I turned on my computer and the clouds parted and the sky got a little brighter. One of the headlines read “Restaurant bans kids”. I swear I heard angels singing Hallelujah.

Earlier that day I had been eating lunch at a restaurant in Bryan, and a lady with a kid picked the table next to me. Within seconds of watching this little monster, I knew I had seen this movie before. I was about to either stuff down my food as fast as possible, or spend the next forty-five minutes listening to this lady shshshing her kid over and over and over. So I got up and switched tables. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I didn’t give the kids a dirty look or anything, in fact I avoided eye contact all together and tried to not even let on what I was doing.

But somehow the lady caught on to my plan, and stared at me like I was Casey Anthony with the plague.

Look, nobody is saying that I don’t like kids. Kids are fine, most of them. And had I been at a McDonald’s or Chuck E Cheese, it would have been different. You have to expect unruly kids at those places. That’s why I avoid those establishments like the flu.

The restaurant in the internet story banned children from the ages of six and under. What a great, great idea. Only I say take it a step further. I say until a kid is eight years old, keep them at home. Or at least limit the public places in which you take them. There are tons of places that cater to kids. Most towns have some sort of children’s museum, a park, a jail cell… There is no reason to take a small kid to a nice restaurant that serves drinks. Chances are, grown-ups are there to get away from their own children.

That’s the one thing Hollywood couples do right. Madonna, Brad and Angelina, Tom Cruise and his wife, all these famous stars all do the same thing. They have kids one day (or, go to some third world country and adopt one) and you don’t see their kids again until they are drug-addicted teenagers on the cover of magazines.

I wish all places would ban kids, but I know it won’t happen. For some silly reason, the whole damn world loves kids. Anything with the word “kids” attached to it is a huge business and makes huge money. Don’t even get me started on kids sports… That’s a whole other column.

Can we at least agree to do this? Let’s pass a law that says if you take your kid to a restaurant that serves beer, and your kid disturbs even one customer, you have to buy the house a round of drinks right there on the spot.

That way, we can get tipsy enough to put up with your kid.



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