Disaster Class



I’ve taken a few weeks off lately. Actually I thought I was done writing, period. I didn’t know if anyone even read the column anymore, and frankly, I had run out of things to talk about. And then? Well, then I attended HAZMAT class.

Firemen, volunteer firemen, and everyone else who works around chemicals, at some point, has to take this class. It teaches you how to deal with hazardous chemical spills, what level of protective gear to wear, how to read placards on vehicles that ship chemicals, etc.

You also don those hot, sweaty chemical suits in 105 degree heat and practice dealing with leaks, spills, and injuries. I must have lost 10 pounds worth of sweat with all the water pouring out of me.

If I had to sum it up in just a few words, it would be “40 hours of Hell”. That’s nothing against the teacher of the class, he did a great job. And the mock disasters that they have set up at this fire school were pretty neat. It’s just that that kind of stuff doesn’t interest me at all. But then again, what does interest me?

One of the things that made this class Hell on me was the people I took the class with. Every one of them seemed like great guys, but they were just different people that I would ever hang out with. From what I gathered, it was a bunch of firemen, volunteer firemen, and safety gurus from huge plants and oil rigs. And all of them took themselves way, way, way too seriously.

For instance, if you asked a yes/no question in the class, the answer would never just be yes or no. To a man, the guys I went to class with answered a yes/no question by saying “affirmative” or “negative”. Every. Single. Time.

Everyone knows a guy that still has a keychain hanging from his belt loop, one of those real tall wallets hanging out of his back pocket, and uses fireman talk everywhere he goes. Well, imagine spending eight hours a day for five straight days with 25 of those guys.

Like I said- all great guys, just different people from what I would normally hang out with.

And then the kicker- One day we were going over a quiz, which was multiple choice. The first question was an easy one, with the answer being “B”. From the back of the room I heard someone say “Beta”. Before I knew it, instead of “A, B, C, or D” every answer I heard was either “Alpha”, “Beta”, “Charlie” or “Delta”. I’m 100% serious.

After about the third question I started laughing out loud and said “Wow, really?” Nobody even understood that I was questioning their lingo. To them it was as natural as me saying “A, B, C or D”.

Needless to say, by the middle of the third day I was ready to pull my hair out. “Fireman guy taking himself too seriously” is the one disaster that they didn’t teach me how to deal with.