What’s eating me



My wife and mother-in-law made chili the other night. It was perfect timing, too. The weather was cold and I had been working outside all day. It just flat hit the spot.

But while I was eating, I noticed my wife and all three kids putting tons of crackers in their bowls. I’m sure they’ve always done that, although what made me notice it now I don’t know.

Seeing my wife eat something quirky didn’t surprise me any. When we first started dating I remember her dipping a French fry in mayonnaise. And I’m afraid that it’s rubbed off on my son. One day he and I were eating barbecue and he started dipping his Funyuns in barbecue sauce. The little weirdo.

Me? I’m a one-cracker-at-a-time kind of guy. I like Saltines with my chili just like any other guy, but every other bite or so I want to taste just the chili by itself. Of course, that’s not to say that I don’t have a couple of odd eating habits myself.

For instance, I’ve already mentioned my hamburger fetish. I can’t stand when I order a burger and the vegetables are underneath the meat. Since the beginning of time people have understood that the meat goes on bottom when you make a hamburger. Why it’s changed in the last few years is beyond me, but when I get it served like that I have to take it all apart and fix it.

Another weird thing I’ve noticed myself doing lately is color coordinating my M&M’s or Skittles. The greens go with the greens, the reds with reds, etc. I always make the colors come out even before I start eating one from each stack, and I don’t like to mix them up.

The same goes with food on my plate. I don’t mind if the mashed potatoes and some kind of meat touch each other, but every other food group is off limits. The corn can’t sneak over to the green beans, the bread or roll can’t touch the broccoli, and I prefer to have a whole separate plate altogether for the salad.

It’s a little different, I know. But if you think that is bad, my wife knows a girl who wraps her tamales with a piece of bread covered with mayonnaise before eating them. That’s one of the worse things I’ve ever heard of. I even made her swear she wasn’t making that story up.

And it gets crazier than that. I heard some famous guy- can’t remember who he was- say in a radio interview the other day that he’s never had a condiment. He’s never tasted mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, salt or pepper (other than when a restaurant cooks with it). Salad dressing is included, also.

Can you imagine never tasting ketchup? That’s crazy. And without mustard, how the Hell does he eat a corny dog? As far as salt goes, I wouldn’t know what food without salt even tastes like. I pour it on everything that isn’t sweet.

Now, mayonnaise I could do without I think. I like a little Miracle Whip every now and then on a ham sandwich, but I don’t have to have it.

My wife, however, is a different story. Where else would she dip her fries?