Monster Bowl



My deadline was about an hour ago, and I haven’t written a word yet. This has been one of those boring weeks where I don’t have anything to write about, so I’m just going to jot down some random thoughts and we’ll see if we can make a column out of it. Buckle your seatbelts.

First let me tell you about the Monster Debacle of this past weekend. I keep seeing these commercials on t.v. that say “take time to be a dad today”. Now, I think I’m a pretty good dad anyway, but these commercials put pressure on you to go the extra mile. You don’t want some geek on t.v. to look like a better father than you, you know? So I had my wife grab us tickets to the monster truck show that came to town.

A couple of days before the show, my kids saw the ad for it on television. Towards the end, they said they would give free monster trucks to the first 500 kids through the gate. “Please don’t hear that part, please don’t hear that part, please don’t hear that part,” I whispered to myself.

But of course they heard. “Oooh dad, did you hear that? Can we go early? Dad, we have to! We have to go get that free monster truck, dad. Can we? We love you, Dad.”

So we did. The show started at 2 p.m., and we got there at 12:30. It was cold. It was boring. There were rednecks everywhere, little three-year olds walking around with Mountain Dew in their baby bottles. There were more tires than teeth in the building. And it was a terrible show. The trucks kept breaking down, and the announcer sounded like that guy from the strip club (I’ve been told).

It was loud. I forgot to grab some earplugs from work, so I had to buy three sets of earplugs from the concession stand at $2 per pack. And of course the kids got hungry, then thirsty, then hungry again. Nothing like dropping a whole paycheck for a couple of sodas and a corn dog.

Oh, and the free monster trucks that we came an hour and a half early for? Both of them fit in one stinking hand, that’s how small they were. I’ve seen bigger toys come out of the quarter machines in front of grocery stores.

The other big thing on the radar this week was the Super Bowl. The game was a good contest between two great franchises, so no complaints there. My wife threw down a great spread of food to munch on, so no complaints there. Heck, I didn’t even have a problem with the halftime show like most people did. I don’t know any other way to say this other than- Who cares what Fergie sounds like? As long as she looks like that, she can recite the phone book for all I care. It beat the heck out of a group of old guys that haven’t been relevant for thirty years, that’s for sure.

One thing that did grab my attention was the Pepsi commercial with Justin Bieber. My daughters (and wife) got a little too giddy for my taste. The thing is, I’ve always heard that girls are attracted to guys that remind them of their father.

Now, Justin Bieber has more talent in his pinky toe than I do in my whole body, so I don’t mean to say anything bad about him. But you can’t help but notice that he’s a bit… I don’t know, feminine? Not that he’s gay or anything, I know he isn’t. It’s just that he’s not a guy’s guy, or doesn’t seem to be anyway. Is that how my daughters see me?

I don’t see how they could. I’ve never put any products in my hair, don’t wear skin tight britches, and have never touched makeup to my face.

And I’ll bet my house that Justin Beiber has never been to a monster truck show.