The Rapture



Well, I see that we’ve all survived the Rapture. Whew, that was a close one.

Seriously though, that’s why I’ve always said that religion is just like alcohol, drugs, sex, and everything else in life. Moderation is the key to everything.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a beer or two every now and then, as long as you aren’t in the bars every night. Growing up, I knew tons of people who smoked weed and still functioned normally. It’s the guys who sit on the couch all day and eat Doritos and drink Mountain Dew that give it a bad name.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way saying that I want to come home and find one of my kids on the back patio blowing smoke rings. Until you are 18 or you move out of my house (which is a drug-free zone), you follow my rules. All I’m saying is that it would be just as bad if I came home and they were talking about religion every minute of every day.

Now, back to the Rapture. I didn’t pay it much mind this past weekend, so I treated Saturday just like any other day. But I started thinking about what all I would do if I really did believe that the end was coming in a few days. Don’t worry, this is a family paper so I’m not going to talk about everything.

Now, it should go without saying that most of my time would be spent with family and friends. But my wife keeps pointing out how selfish I am, so I doubt that all of my time would be spent with them.

First thing I would do, have my mother-in-law make a pot of coffee and sit on my back porch with the newspaper. She makes the best coffee ever. I’d read it nice and slow, every article, in peace and quiet with nothing to bother me.

Then I’d take the top down on my jeep and ride down a country road somewhere. With the radio blaring a little Tupac, some Bob Segar, maybe a little George Jones, and I’d tie it all together with some Willie Nelson.

Then I would drive my jeep right to the best Mexican food place I know and try to eat everything on the menu. And wash it all down with Dos Equis, over and over. Oh, and that’s just for breakfast.

After breakfast I’d ask the owner of my favorite fishing spot if I could go out there. I’d drop a line in the water, sit down in a folding chair with my battered old copy of Gone With the Wind, and not give a damn if I caught something or not.

I’d do that ‘till lunch time, when I’d go to my favorite barbeque spot and try to eat everything on their menu, too.

After lunch I would try to gather up all my poker buddies for one more big cash game. We wouldn’t play for money, though. What good would money do when the world is ending anyway? Instead of $1, $5 and $10 chips, we’d play for potato chips, chili cheese fries, and Bud Light.

Once I’ve won the tournament and eaten everything in front of me, I’d bring a big ol’ glass of sweet tea to the couch and pop in my copy of the best movie ever made- Lonesome Dove.

That way, Gus and I could ride off into the sunset at the same time.