I waited all year for this?



A few weeks ago I sent out a request for some of the worst Thanksgiving dishes that your families make. I promised you I wouldn’t embarrass anyone, or rat your names out. So let’s go through a few of them now.

The first one isn’t a new one to me. In fact, I’ve complained about this one a time or two, myself. Someone sent me a letter and said that their sister-in-law has made a chocolate pumpkin pie for the last few years.

Ladies, can we please get something straight? Don’t mess with the pies. And for God’s sake, stop trying to force chocolate into everything. Chocolate pumpkin, chocolate pecan, chocolate cheesecake… it’s too much. Sometimes, less is more. Look at it this way- regular old pumpkin and pecan pie have done pretty well on their own for about 150 years or so. Why fix it if it ain’t broke?

Speaking of pies, “James” sent me a message telling me about “Granny’s” mincemeat pie. “Imagine wet dog food, mixed with wet cat food, and stuffed into a beautiful golden-brown pie crust. It’s horrific.”

Oh Granny. Granny, Granny, Granny. First of all Granny, the words meat and pie should never be used in the same sentence. It’s just a bad idea, kind of like the El Camino- either give me a car, or give me a truck. Please don’t try to give me both in one.

And by the way, when I eat meat I like to know which animal it came off of. I’ve never heard of an animal called mince in my life.

I talked to a fellow at the store the other day and he told me about his wife’s (we’ll call her Helen) squash casserole. This is how he described it. “It’s kinda like squishy summer squash drowned in a soupy sour cream-like sauce.”

Oh Good Lord Helen, stop it. Not one thing about that dish sounds even remotely appetizing. There is no way, in my opinion, that you can serve that to your family with a clear conscience. You have to know that is horrible.

I also heard about something called “ambrosia salad” that “Jenny” makes. Her sister-in-law told me it consisted of canned fruit, coconut, mini-marshmallows and cool whip or jello mixed with… wait for it… mayonnaise or sour cream.

Disgusting. Again with the mixing of the taste buds? Look people, there are only two times when mixing sweet and sour are a good idea- in kettle korn and Amaretto. Stop messing with Mother Nature, it’s Thanksgiving dinner, not a science project.

My friend “Tom” told me that his grandmother will bring a dish of mashed potatoes already mixed with beets. He says she brings it every year, and every year takes a full bowl back home with her. “I think she wraps up the same bowl and freezes it every year, then unwraps it and brings it again,” he said.

Tom, I know this is your grandmother we are talking about. And I know it’s the holidays, and you are supposed to love everyone, and blah blah blah. But I swear you should hire a lawyer and sue her for everything she is worth. It may not be a crime in the books, but it’s a crime against humanity.

And finally, one buddy of mine told me that his health-conscience family uses white rice mixed with celery and carrots instead of dressing. And there is no gravy, giblet or otherwise.

I’m telling you now, I’d rather be fat.